The Divide, The Divides.

I enjoy listening to beautiful melodies in the dark. Brings me closer to the music, in tune with the artist emotions, lyrics are relatable in any way you interpret the story. It feels nice. Tia wats up mama? I’ve been tryin` to be nice but this bitch is a bitch. I won’t even bother. That girl seriously has a stick up her ass. No unity, no love, no respect one of the burdens of our community. I’m always amazed by the complements, the good vibes I receive from an equal. My equals are humans of course. In this sense I mean black and female.

A librarian once told me it’s not those sistas that you should be watchin` out for but those French whores, the Québécoises. The woman behind that desk was talking about white girls. It was funny to me, not in a haha way but in a weird way. In her case it’s true that a hint of black blood makes you fully black. Valerie is biracial. Her father is a dark skinned Brazilian and her mother is French Canadian. Therefore, her mother stole our man. Are they really our men? I don’t own black men nor do I want to. As a matter of fact I don’t own no man, no human. What is up with some women thinking that they own a man because they are part of a certain ethnic group? It is sickening to my stomach which what were these words coming out of Valerie’s mouth. I like to think its Binationality but unfortunately the correct term is biracial, why put the race in it? There is only the human and animal race and since I can breathe like the red, black, yellow, brown, white man and donate blood to whomever needs it well then we are all the same, right? Indeed we are. Why is there such a divide?
I guess it’s because whether we like it or not we live in different worlds. Depending on our backgrounds and skin color, we go through very different obstacles. The world, life caters to some of us and for others it’s just a bitch, just strugglin`. Just like beautiful people get more attention than ugly people. Whites get more opportunities than everybody else. Now in a way I can understand ``race`` because of regardless of how I look, my world, the life of a black woman is completely different from the life of a Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic woman. Then again what about my light skin women? Those sistas, my sistas. Im of a beautiful, dark, chocalate, smooth, soft, sexy complexion. Am I treated differently than my light skin, caramel friend Sara? Perhaps and it’s a fact and I accept it but don’t appreciate that mindset. Lighter is better just like beautiful is better and thinner is better. There is a divide there. I’ve only noticed this divide last year after having a heated discussion with Mama and Nana about the light skin, dark skin topic. I know that Nana felt like Mama and I were gangin` up on her and for that I am sorry but sista` Nana I still stand by my point.
My fellow sister and Sri Lankan beauty Anu battles with the light skin mentality. In fact she uses a lightening cream; it disappoints me to think that my friend believes to be beautiful you must be light. I’m dark skinned and I think I am beautiful …..at times….. at least more than I think I’m ugly. I appreciate what the world has to offer and its different beauties, the diversity, men, women and between. The complexions are so pretty, why would you want to look the same.
I’ve always been comfortable with my skin color. I never had a moment where I wanted to be none other than dark chocolate. It is understandable that societal norms and the western idea of beauty can pressure people to go to extreme lengths to be closer to that idea. Take me for example, I exercise and sometimes eat less than I am suppose to, to maintain and have that suitable body type, the one that is accepted and gets by in life. Everyone has their insecurities.
Félix Dupri

CLUTTER … OF EMOTIONS?

J inspired me, she made me realise the errors of my ways. To be frank I knew what the problem was, I knew then what I know now. Heart broken is who I was, betrayal is what happened, loneliness is what I faced and my insecurities were my control. Can’t get a hold of anything else in my life than well change me and make my flaws perfection. Girl, you need to stop making these foolish excuses… words from J. After dealing with him, I stopped caring for myself. Perfection was my goal and still is what I am eager to achieve. J kept on calling me negative, my attitude is shit. Today was really the first day I felt good about myself. I’ve matured, my face has matured. I look amazing, distorted thoughts. The more it sinks in, the more I feel attractive. I want it to the bone, cause this is my control. Sometimes, I miss V`s company but I know I am better off. Avoid that nuisance. Bitch is rotten. The dick used to be good; I loved that connection with a man. Strong arms, hit that hard. Make me moan. I loved that shit! My spiritual connection is no longer, sex is now absent. I’ve abused of it. I’m so wrong; using men like he used me.

This is just a draft, a few thoughts.

Félix

Catz Need to be Stress Free!

There is so many things going through my head right now, coming and going and over and over again. I’m not in a good mood, I`m not in a happy place and neither in a sad place, maybe I’m PMSing. I should be getting them in a few days n-eways. Maybe it’s my environment, my entourage. Well this is what I can say, I’m Félix and I am ready to explode, I am carrying too much weight on my shoulders and everyone around me does not seem to get it. Félix must be weird, Félix is just lazy. I’m pretty sure you all know how it is being a 19 year old college student trying to pass all of the courses and managing your love, social and work life. It is already hard enough; any individual would feel like blowing up. On top of it all, you’re working on a personal project with some friends, hoping that maybe… just maybe that little project you got goin`on, you’re Fashon (term meaning fashion coined by Félix) little baby will bring you independence, big bucks. Imagine not having to work for anyone, it’s a wonderful dream; I sure hope it does come true. Now if I could just get the idea of what the f*@k biology really is, every time I study for this ish I seem to get stuck. My thoughts wonder while the material is processing into my head, just pray I do not fail this exam. As you can see I`m not at a high level of multitasking. My homies, are they truly my home catz? I’m precious, sensitive and just slightly a drama queen and I am owning up to it but my home`s seem to enjoy making me the bud of all jokes, I do not think this is exaggeration. Sharing my ideas, my thoughts, my personal life with friends is a way of showing that I trust them, now having a Felix exhibition and even in front of my face is something I call disrespectful, you should never treat a fellow hustler this way. Now joking around about your ish with your crew is one thing and it is GoodtimesGoodtimes but jokin` around about your ish with acquaintances is crossing the line (no more Goodtimes). Catz have one perception of you but strangers that hear your buiznazz ( business coined by Félix) for the first time assume that you are that type of person and it usually not positive. I have learned my lesson and there are some things you should keep to yourself. I believe in being open but don’t let people get too close, there are some exceptions but just be careful for shiz! Catz don`t let your home`s down and keep it reaal!

Je garde en tête que ce n`est pas la fin du monde et je me rendors !

Félix the Home`s Catz

History Just Bit me in the Ass.

I believe that I can say that I am part of history! Of course there is the fact that the president of the United-States of America is an Afro-American but I’ve recently been touched by the recession. Yes, yes I am unemployed. Last week my boss had called me, which was quite weird because they just never call. See I used to work for a survey company, where I would call owners or newly owners of a specific car brand and ask them a couple of questions regarding the purchase, lease or service of their vehicle. It was annoying, asking the same questions to those son of Bi*tches….sure some of them were nice people, others were bigots, others did not speak a word of English and a large majority of them would tell me their boring life stories. While working, I would read that month’s Vogue, Vanity Fair, GQ or Nylon or just simply daydream about the best sex I’ve ever had…..Oh Jeremy is incredible. Back to my point, Alexis my boss contacts me and tells me that because of the economy she must let me go. They decided to give all the calls to the Americans instead; I guess they needed it more than we Canadian employees. I knew that day would come; I just didn’t think it would be that soon. Now I am currently looking for a job, I have an interview next week for this cubicle job as a customer service employee for the bank as well as
training for a cell phone company. All should be fine, I’m maybe broke but at least I have my health!

Félix

Self-disclosure

It’s not easy for me to open-up…. Okay, let’s just say I am an open book. Self-disclosure is my method of healing and letting the listener realise that I’ve gotten to a point were I trust she. I have shared secrets with my gals: unusual habits, my thoughts, my feelings, my errors, my regrets and some haunting truths. The fact is this: I put on a façade towards the opposite sex, and I keep myself mysterious, cold, and reluctant. Being me isn’t appealing when I am in a situation where communication with a one, a one that isn’t my kind occurs. The idea of shedding my skin to one, I do not think highly of. I’ve come to the realisation that I am basically stereotyping, putting all men in a box; that box is filled with negative perceptions. To trust one of them is to put myself down, to be inferior, losing my power, lowering my status. There is no praise when power is destabilized. My every move has been studied by my beauties; they know me like no other, inside and out. Breakdowns they have seen, my deepest, darkest moments they have witnessed, exchange of feelings with no shame; all leaving me a better woman at the end. When I am upset, I relinquish my guard a bit because anger conveys strength. Reflect and escape… I recently spoke to the current one and told a sad revelation about a male nuisance in my life, someone close to me but certainly not dear to me. The condition of this annoyance subsequent to his end.

Reflection of a Teenage Heart

This simple human, her simple walk. Happiness runs through her voice as she speaks to the man who wishes to marry her. She thinks about how life gets more complicated as we age; undeniably we have noticed time pass by faster then we had expected. Humans do not know that it is lost; it is gone, until it isn’t apparent anymore. Compare the then of our youth to what we are now. She is just a young adult facing all the obstacles and more, as any adult her age eventually surmounts. She has definitely seen worse, therefore she keeps her head high, and prays to whomever is up there hoping that she can wake one morning when the sun has just risen, look out her window and stare at the world: a new day with no worries, no tears, no cries leading to a scream and hopes of escape, no more internal destruction. That day will be the beginning, a fresh start with the man that she now wishes to marry. As all of her important cards fall from her wallet in front of a crowd of travellers, she tells her love that she will call him back, and then picks up these indispensable objects. These cards hold her back, that job holds her back, school holds her back, materials hold her back. She takes her seat, embarrassed by the fact that she had almost fell, and realises that she will never be free; she will never be free from society. But what does it all mean? Then again, she is a minority, will she ever truly be free ?

She transitions in and out of sleep.

Félix Dupri

Thx Mama!

Good on paper or not? Just a thought.

The verdict is…. Well let me just explain. Where is my life going, where am I going to be in three years (well in University) because I am a college deadbeat. I can’t manage to finish my psychology program because everything about it I despise, I have this huge disgust for the program. There was a time when I thought I could be a future shrink, write books, get on Oprah and then the queen of talk shows would eventually reward me for my great work and give me my own show! Been in college for almost three years when it takes 2 years to finish this fuckin’ shitty ass shit program, still here. So the verdict is…. I’m not good on paper, then why do I judge a man by what is written on his paper if I am no better. I’m not good on paper and now I must finish my Integrative Seminar paper.

Félix Dupri