JUST A BIT OF WRITING

In these words lie the different dimensions of me, my greatness and my goals, the paths that I have chosen, the dreams that I have dreamed, the universe that I had pictured in my mind. My perception has changed, my hearing has developed and my eyes can see. The reality is in front of me, looking at me straight in my small brown eyes. I spent time thinking, worrying, crying and crying some more. “Why am I here,” I asked? God didn’t answer. Listening to my music, on a Monday morning, finding the setting obscure, I said to out loud, “I don’t feel right. God why am I here? My life isn’t this, it wasn’t planned this way, I think you have made a mistake!” I have been sent for more, for greater, for good; I have this profound hole in my soul. It has been awhile, since I had these emotions taking over my spirit. I had faced reality, it had looked at me straight in my little brown eyes; just like a caterpillar, I had to make some changes. And, just like a butterfly, I had accomplished them. My friends were no longer close; they were like children, immature beings that I couldn’t speak to. My family was, as always, in the midst of many problems; my grandmother had just passed away and my father was, and still is fighting. I always think of it as a fight: he is torn between being an asshole and a father. Depict my life, I know you can’t. Tell me that I am hard headed, that I take things too seriously. Can you really say that, when I am living a pain that never ceases to hurt? This ache that made me pick up the bottle, that made me swallow it whole. Drank a little vodka, quite frankly, I was never a fan of straight up Vodka… but I guess if this is the end I might as well take it rough and be adventurous. A Few hours later, my mom faced me and asked me to confess…. Confess to what, that I hate this, that I hate her, that I despise him, that I have disgust for everyone, even myself. Actions speak louder than words, don’ t they Mother! I felt my father’s hard breath on my neck, “Imbecile are you trying to kill yourself?” Yesss! Yess I am, I'm lonely, Im careless, I'm young and I know im not foolish. Living in a domineering messed-up family you would want to commit suicide yourself.

Masculinisation of female fashion and androgyny

I’ve had this attraction for fashion since I was old enough to dress myself. I have always been able to incorporate my feline elegance into my numerous looks even when I was in my preppy phase, emo, punk and indie. All these fashion phases have a common denominator: ¨masculinity¨. Male clothing, male style and male swagger are things I find sexually desirable and pleasurable. Even though my style has evolved from colors to darker colors and colors again, I have maintained my lust for the masochism which constitute my look. There was a moment in my ¨Fashon¨ (term for fashion coined by Félix) life I had explored androgyny at its best. It was around my indie rock phase pre-emo. Androgyny means men and women; andro (man) gyny(woman). The term is referred by either gender and is very popular in the entertainment industry. Nowadays fashion has been selling this look; models’ faces and mannerisms appear more awkward and even singers use this look to sell themselves i.e. Lady Gaga. My unisex appearance combines my femininity and my masculinity: my ruggedness and my scruffy look mixed with my thought of makeup and my hourglass silhouette that compliments my feminine side. They called it the garçonne, a 1920`s look in which women did not flaunt their feminine curves and bandaged their breast is back minus the breast bandage. Marc Jacobs wears heels, Madonna wears a suit, Victoria beckam has an interesting boy cut, guys have longer hair than women and the late Yves Saint-Laurent sells eyeliner for men and Texan model Cole Morh poses for Marc by Marc Jacobs’s female clothing line. Expansion of identity beyond boundaries, acceptance of self and not quite a division of sexes is how I define androgyny.

I believe it to be very Avant Garde to be able to combine female and male characteristics together. It is attractive… sexual ambiguity… it is world wide. It has been inspired by the androgynous peers in the media such as Boy George, Annie Lennox, and even by music genres such as Punk where unisex style has always been present. Now I am content, pleased and more than ready to embrace this style because now I have no need to feel too masculine because of the way I dress. My style can be sexually ambiguous and I could still look drop dead gorgeous.

Now I must leave you with the song Androgyny by the band Garbage

My fave. Androgynous individual Brian Molko from the band Placebo